The Four Hardest Words To Say
Read: Psalm 51
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. 5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. 6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me 11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. 14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. 15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. 18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; 19 then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.
I am eight or nine or ten. As one, the congregation kneels, and we all say the words I have memorized:
Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone.
We have not loved you with our whole heart;
we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent.
For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ,
have mercy on us and forgive us;
that we may delight in your will,
and walk in your ways,
to the glory of your Name. Amen.
Even at this age, I recognize there is something good and comforting in this liturgy. I don’t know it, but I am being trained to confess my sin; I am being taught that forgiveness is available. There is comfort in the corporate confession, and the example of adults and children confessing in unison is one I never forget.
I am fourteen. Alone, I sit on my bed with a Bible and make my first personal confession of repentance. I am a liar and a cheater and an idolater, and I want to change. I am awestruck by the forgiveness that is offered to me by the King of the Universe.
I am eighteen at a missions conference. I begin weeping over my sin, asking Christ to take over this thing I cannot seem to change. Another girl comes over to pray with me, and we weep together. The Lord gives me an image of a girl coming up out of water, washed and new. I leave with hope.
I am twenty-nine, and my Bible study group has just read the Ten Commandments. Full of regrets, all I can do is take the Holy Spirit’s leading to list my sins before the Father and lean into the love of Jesus who has paid the cost.
I am thirty-four, in small group, and I am confessing my sin again. My failings as a wife, mother, friend, church-member. Anger, pride, envy, gossip—I tell them all. My friends listen and nod in empathy. With their support, over time I begin to see change.
I am fifty, and it is two-thirty in the morning, and I am furious, bitter, and judgmental, but I am not confessing those to the Lord. In my heart, I am cursing another. I am self-righteous and brutal in my blame of someone else. No, I am not confessing my part. I refuse. I wake up in the morning, knots in my neck, sharp words on my tongue, a chasm between the Lord and me.
I give you this last picture because I need it out in the open. Even after forty-two years of being a Christian, there are many days you’d think I didn’t know how to say I’m sorry—to anyone, much less to God. Even after seeing the blessings of confession—mercy, renewed relationship, growth, grace upon grace—even still I forget and neglect and run away from confession.
I’m sorry; forgive me. The four hardest words to say.
Anybody else with me? Lord, help us. We confess we don’t confess. Not even when we know it’s good for us. Not even when we know you will respond in love. We are scared to see our scary parts. We are ashamed of what we have done (and left undone). We’d just rather believe we are perfect. But even kings like David have to confess.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. (Psalm 51:1-3)
And kings find healing in confession.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. (Psalm 51:6-8)
With David, I praise the God who gives me a clean heart and renews my spirit (verse 10). I offer Him to you as the solution for your guilt and shame. He will accept the sacrifice of your broken spirit; He will not despise your broken and contrite heart (verse 17). Bowing in humble confession is hard and uncomfortable but worth the sacrifice.
Still feel awkward? Still want to run? Don’t despair. Our kind Father, the author and perfector of our faith, will not leave you in rebellion. He is patient. He will guide you back into His arms. Maybe Psalm 51 is your opening today. Take a minute and read it aloud. Let the kindness of the Lord and the gift of confession flow over you.
I’m sorry; forgive me. The four hardest words to say. But so, so good for our souls.
